


Live To Tell

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 16:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10835202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: Leaving in the dead of night, Kristine Kochanski pours out her heart in a letter. She tells the secrets she has kept hidden from her alternate crew all this time.





	Live To Tell

_I have a tale to tell_  
_Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well_  
_I was not ready for the fall_  
_Too blind to see the writing on the wall  
_

* * *

I will never show anyone this letter, but I have to write it, for myself. I have to write it to remind me why I have to leave. Why this is the only thing I can do, to save all of us.  
  
Princess Kochanski, oh isn't she privileged. That is what you all think, isn't it? But you don't know me, you don't know me at all. And sometimes I think that non of you even care enough about me to do so.  
Yes, I might have been born to a well off family, but I grew up without them. The first chance they had I was shipped off to Cyberschool where I remained till I was eighteen.  
  
Cyberschool a life locked away inside a computer: your mind receives a perfect education, but no social skills, no street smarts, no reality. This messes you up when you are finally allowed to live in the real world and find out you have no-one to fall back on.  
You see: For years I lived in a non existent world where I had perfect friends, perfect teachers and a perfect pony that I adored. In reality people were nothing like that. In reality I had no friends, I didn't know my family and I did not even have a pony.

I was lonely, I felt scared and afraid. I wanted a social life, get to know my family, but was unsure about how life worked and how to relate to people.  
All I knew was: I wanted my families attention. So I went … of the rails: I talked in the library, I smoked cigarettes and just wanted to rebel and be naughty. Looking back I think I might have experienced a late puberty.  
Oh that got my parents attention, alright. Just not in the way I wanted: they told me that Cyberschool was catching up on me and to get me out of their hair I was shipped off again, to Cadet college.  
  
Cadet college was a shock to my system. Yes, I was at school again, but in the real world, with real people. Real people that thought I was weird, because I never talked, and when I did I sounded like a ten year old.  
  
It took me decades to learn how to even slightly relate to people that were not programmed to like me, so it was tough at Cadet School.  
  
I was bullied for being the posh rich kid, the weirdo, the freak. I was so lonely, but I wasn't allowed to go home. I had to “tough it out”.

I tried, but things did not get better and I wanted an escape, desperately. So when the opportunity came to join the crew of Red Dwarf I took it: a new start, new people, new chances.  
  
The first months were terrible: I was bullied again. For being posh, weird _and_ for being a woman. Cyberschool had never prepared me for sexism, so this was a new shock. Once again I was lonely and depressed, but this time there was no escape; I was stuck on this ship for a good ten years.  
  
A relief came in the unexpected form of Arnold J Rimmer: one day out of the blue we both hid away from our respective bullies in the same spot and got talking. We found that we shared not just a similar pain, but also had a lot of other stuff in common. We became friends: a new thing for both of us. We pulled each other through, and it really felt as if life was getting better.  
  
Years passed: I blossomed and Arnold came out of the closet which was a big thing. We acquired more friends and I even got a boyfriend: Tim. Sadly one day Tim dumped me, my first heartbreak.  
As a rebound I got involved with Arnold's sweet bunkmate Dave Lister. This angered Arnold so much he stopped talking to me except for official briefings. This broke my heart: Arnold meant so much to me. He was the one I trusted, the friend I adored. I couldn't understand why he would break up such an important friendship just because I dated his bunkmate. I knew they couldn't get along, but still, it couldn't be that bad. How naïve I was ...  
  
Dave and I … we didn't last long. One day Tim said he wanted me back and I thought that was what I wanted too. Tim was my first love, Dave was a rebound, right? So I dropped Dave. A big mistake I regret till this day: I soon found I never liked Tim at all. Or maybe he had changed … But whatever it was, this time around he was possessive, rude and only wanted me back as a trophy, an object. I missed my sweet Dave so much but didn't know how to get away from Tim. Soon Tim begun to isolate me from all the friends I'd made, and I was lonely again. All I wanted was for all this to end.  
  
One day, I met Dave and Arnold in the hallway. The three of us had an awkward, stilted, conversation, but I did find out that Dave had a cat with him. Bringing animals on board is forbidden and the punishment for this is being locked in stasis for the rest of the journey without wages. In that moment I saw it all: a way to save Dave from losing his money and freedom and a way for me to escape. So I took the cat, pretended to have destroyed it, but let it escape to a safe place after having my picture taken with it. It seemed so simple.  
  
I asked Arn to take my picture, despite our fight, he was still the one I trusted the most. That afternoon we talked and he told me he had missed me so much. Like me, he too had been lonely. Then he confessed to me: the reason why my relationship with Dave had hurt so much wasn't because I dated someone he disliked. It was because I dated the man he loved. In fact, Dave was the only one he ever loved. He told me he was so sorry and urged me to get back with Dave when I had the chance. He wanted me to be happy and he'd seen how happy I was with “Listy”.  
  
A strange thing happened the next day, (the day before the cat and I were caught;) Arnold threw a hysterical fit during an exam and was locked into stasis. No-one understood, but I did: he was done with it, fed up with the ship the people, and seeing Lister without being able to share his feelings. He'd used my plan as an escape.  
Then I finally escaped too.  
Or so I thought …  
  
Well … You can imagine we were not too happy to be woken up three million years later to find our journey would not be ending any time soon. You can also imagine that Arnold wasn't too happy when Holly chose Dave as the ships hologram as he was the one best suited to accompany the highest ranking officer on the ship; me. Luckily there was the Cat, a highly intelligent creature evolved from the cat I hid all these centuries ago. He and Arnold became great friends, which was a relief. But overtime this wasn't enough. No matter how much he tried Arnold couldn't hide the pain when Dave and I tried to pick up where we left off. He might have encouraged it back then, but the reality was hard for him. Still, we muddled through and became a strong team of survivors.  
  
Despite the small fact that he couldn't touch, Dave and I were soon lovers again and grew closer and closer and Arnold must have felt left out. At least that is why I think he jumped at the chance to become Ace Rimmer once the call came trough. It was painful to have him gone. Since the accident he was the one I told everything to I could never tell Dave. He understood things Dave never could. He was my first and my best friend.  
_Was …_  
One day Arnold returned, wounded. He told me he wanted to die close to the one person who ever truly cared about him. Within an hour he died in my arms. When I close my eyes I can still see his sad, soulful, desperate eyes. Somehow I feel I failed him.  
  
On we went. Dave and I lived the most bizarre form of domestic bliss, raising our strange Cat baby. Dave begun taking an interest in culture and art, as I read to him every day and we took over some of our habits. Sometimes life was good. Along the way we met an Android called Kryten who made our sad threesome a foursome again and helped us out whenever he could.  
  
Despite the continuing pain and regret about Arnold, life went on and there was some happiness: my Dave was given a hard-light drive and things got … interesting. We begun to grow into our own little family unit more and more: Dave and I were the couple, Cat the big kid and Kryten was like a doting mum. For the first time I felt I had a home.  
  
Then it was taken again: if only we hadn't decide to visit our parallel selves … If only we hadn't decided on wanting a baby.  
Well, you know the story, you know how I got stuck here. Away from the only people who ever cared about me.  
From the moment I got here I felt like I was a second class citizen again: you pined for your Rimmer who had just left and your own Krissy. I couldn't blame you and tried to understand. You, your Kryten and your Cat couldn't understand me, though. I was the posh weirdo who invaded your space. The Kochaski that was different and lived a life you couldn't understand. No mater how I tried I felt like an outsider looking in. Maybe this feeling is wrong, and I know you tried Dave, but it's how I felt back then. And this feeling never really left.  
  
Our time in prison was traumatic, but I was happy when nano-Rimmer joined the gang, he felt as out of touch and confused as I was and we could talk. Then he died trying to save us. More guilt on my Rimmer pile.  
  
After nano died something shifted, you and I got together. Was it the guilt about Rimmer? Was it the trauma of all those people dying again? Whatever it was, for a while it worked. But … we were missing something. You kept it hidden well, but I knew why you were drinking more and more: you missed him, and you sensed that in a way I pretended you were my Dave. Maybe I tried to change you … All I knew was that we were burning each-other up. I never felt more lonely as I did then.  
  
Then, yesterday the ceiling opened and a wounded hologram was thrown in: it was your Arnold. I saw your face, your eyes: the joy and fear. It was _your_ Arnold, the man you love despite never wanting to admit it, even to yourself.  
He was wounded and traumatised, but it was not fatal and he is healing now. I finally saved a Rimmer and want to give him a chance at happiness. The way he looked at you when he regained consciousness made me sure that the two of you belong together. You two were meant to be and I don't want to stand between this. Saving your Rimmer was the most important thing I could ever do for you and my way of saying goodbye.  
  
I decided to take myself out the equation to make it easy for everyone. Don't look for me Lister, I have to find my own reality back, I can't be in a place where my heart breaks a little more every day. Let me go. Stop pretending to be in love with the idea of me, the illusion, and find love with the reality that is in front of you.  
I will search this universe for mine.  
With all my love,  
Kristine

* * *

 _The truth is never far behind_  
_You kept it hidden well_  
_If I live to tell_  
_The secret I knew then_  
_Will I ever have the chance again_

**Author's Note:**

> This story came out when listening to Madonna's song "Live To Tell", which also gave it it's title.


End file.
